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Sunday, July 29, 2012

No, I'm not okay!! I feel like a complete failure!

If there is anything wrong or confusing I will edit it later. I just really needed to get the off my chest.

I honestly don't know where to start! SO much has happened over the last month or two, that I not sure if I'm coming or going. I have so much on my plate and I have no clue where to start. I started this blog as a way to clear my head a bit. Hoping if I was able to write it out I wouldn't feel so alone. If that makes sense. I think what's bothering me the most out of everything that's going on with me is NOT being able to go to college to continue my education. It even hurts to write the last sentence.

About the beginning of my junior year in high school, I made the decision to enroll in home school to take care of my ill mother. It was to the point of life and death for her. I have three younger siblings. Something happening to her was not an option. She had swelling on the brain, and was at risk of losing her vision. We couldn't afford to have a nurse come and stay with my mom while I was in school. I found out about an online home school program through a family friend. I had to start my 10th grade all over again. I would stay up all day with my mom and take care of her, and at night I would study up until 4 a.m.. Wake up and do it all over. I had to learn all this stuff on my own.

After months of sleepless nights. Working hard on essays. Taking so many test. Some more than once. I had finally graduated Aug. 13th of 2011. Just three days before what would have been the beginning of my Senior year. By now my moms health is progressing slowly, but not at the speed that I need it to be. At that point I had decided to take a gap year hoping that the process would move a bit faster, so I could go off to college. Around spring of this year my got an offer to have gastric bypass. According to the doctors it's suppose to take away all the health problems she's been having. We weren't sure when she would have her surgery. It so happened that she got a call mid June saying her surgery date was July 16th.

I had started applying to different schools around me. UGA is my dream school. I had wanted to go to this college since forever. I couldn't get into any of them. So I tried to enroll into a community college down the street from me. They denied me also. I later found out that the school I was getting my diploma from lost their accreditation. When I signed up, I made sure to ask them if I would be able to go to college, and was it accredited. I paid close to a grand on this.

I feel like a complete failure. My diploma is no better than a freaking GED. After finding that out, I cried for three days straight. Nothing had been going right for me. I was trying to see way I was being punished so bad. I was always the "Goody Goody". I don't do drugs. I've never been in trouble. Even in school I had a clean record. Always worked hard. The only time I've ever been in any big trouble was when I bite a kid in pre-k. That was because he had punched me. Other than that, I stay out of trouble. Still to this day I don't know why this is happening to me.

I don't know where to go from now. How I'm going to make it? How am I going to get a good job? I refuse to live at home all my life. I don't regret it, because my mom needed me. I just wish I could change some of the things I did. I've had to grow up a lot faster than I had to. I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I have no clue how to make this situation better. Honestly it's taking it's toll on my.

This past couple of years have brought me closer to my faith. I believe that HE has a great story written out for me. Times may be hard now, but all this pain isn't for nothing. The things that have happened to me has only made me stronger. I have my days were I just want to quit and give up, but I look up and say "Thank you for waking me this morning!". -Jalisa

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